Out of the mouth of a Child!

I have been feeling like a horrible mother lately. Mary Kate has been adjusting rather well to having a new baby sister. She has not taken out anything on Brianna, she has never once been angry with her, she has done nothing but help out and love her unconditionally. It is very sweet. However, I have noticed that on Wednesday through Saturday when Mike works she has been having a hard time. I am only one person and I am still learning how to juggle a 1 1/2 month old who is breastfed exclusively and just wants to be held and a 3 1/2 year old who wants and is used to being the center of attention. She is only 3, so she doesn't know how to tell me what is going on because she doesn't know how to describe her feelings. So I have been trying to pay attention to her words and see the underlying emotions that are bringing them up. Maybe I am crazy, maybe there is nothing behind them, but I feel like a worse mom if I don't at least give some credence to the fact that she may be having feelings that she can't express. Anyways, before Brianna, Mary Kate was very independant. She wanted to do everything on her own. She did not want any help. Ever since Brianna she has started refusing to do things that she used to take great joy in because she "doesn't want to be alone" She used to race me to her bedroom just so that she could be the one to turn off her light. Now the light is an excuse not to go get in her pjs when I ask because she "doesn't want to be alone" So after many tears tonight because I was trying to feed Brianna and MK wouldn't go get her pjs on because the light was off and she didn't want to be alone, I put down Brianna and picked up MK. I held her and hugged her and asked her why she was having a hard time. She told me "because I am always alone" My Heart sank. I love both of my girls. I wish that I could make them both the center of attention. I wish that I could be in two places at once. I wish that I could clone myself and have one of me for MK and one of me for Brianna. It is heartbreaking to know that you are the reason that your daughter is sad. It was even more heartbreaking when MK heard Brianna cry and said "Mommy, Brianna is crying because she is alone too. You should go." I want to cry. Why is my choice as a mom: which child do I let cry and be alone? Thank God I am not a single parent. We all do what we have to do in the circumstances we are in and I respect that and know that I could handle it if I had to, but honestly, I don't want to. I don't know if it was right or not, but when Brianna started crying during Mary Kate's bedtime songs, I let her cry. She was safe in the bouncy seat, she was just fussing. But I needed to be near my oldest daughter. She needed to know that when she needs me she can have me, just like Brianna. I just laid there next to her and sang her songs and snuggled her. It was so nice. But my heart was breaking for Brianna. I tell you this parenting thing is not easy. It is hard to love someone so much. I know I am a good mom, but the feelings of inadequacy that come from wanting to provide everything possible for them and not being able to sometimes overwhelm me. I don't know what to do except pray for strength and listen to what my girls are trying to say to me. On a lighter note, Mary Kate said the sweetest things tonight in her prayers. First she asked God to hug her and protect her while she sleeps. Then she told him that all of her dreams were in his heart! How sweet and surprisingly accurate. To have the innocence of a child! I know that while Mike and I are doing all we can to raise her to be a God fearing woman someday, much of what she is learning comes from the awesome teachers she has at church. In particular, Mrs. Serena and Mrs. Kelli who are her two favorite! I thank God for them constantly and for God's love that they so willingly shower on her every time they see her! One last thing are some pictures and a video from the ice we had this week. We are bad New Englanders. Our daughter thought the ice was snow. So sad. But the video is cute!