Out of the mouth of a Child!

I have been feeling like a horrible mother lately. Mary Kate has been adjusting rather well to having a new baby sister. She has not taken out anything on Brianna, she has never once been angry with her, she has done nothing but help out and love her unconditionally. It is very sweet. However, I have noticed that on Wednesday through Saturday when Mike works she has been having a hard time. I am only one person and I am still learning how to juggle a 1 1/2 month old who is breastfed exclusively and just wants to be held and a 3 1/2 year old who wants and is used to being the center of attention. She is only 3, so she doesn't know how to tell me what is going on because she doesn't know how to describe her feelings. So I have been trying to pay attention to her words and see the underlying emotions that are bringing them up. Maybe I am crazy, maybe there is nothing behind them, but I feel like a worse mom if I don't at least give some credence to the fact that she may be having feelings that she can't express. Anyways, before Brianna, Mary Kate was very independant. She wanted to do everything on her own. She did not want any help. Ever since Brianna she has started refusing to do things that she used to take great joy in because she "doesn't want to be alone" She used to race me to her bedroom just so that she could be the one to turn off her light. Now the light is an excuse not to go get in her pjs when I ask because she "doesn't want to be alone" So after many tears tonight because I was trying to feed Brianna and MK wouldn't go get her pjs on because the light was off and she didn't want to be alone, I put down Brianna and picked up MK. I held her and hugged her and asked her why she was having a hard time. She told me "because I am always alone" My Heart sank. I love both of my girls. I wish that I could make them both the center of attention. I wish that I could be in two places at once. I wish that I could clone myself and have one of me for MK and one of me for Brianna. It is heartbreaking to know that you are the reason that your daughter is sad. It was even more heartbreaking when MK heard Brianna cry and said "Mommy, Brianna is crying because she is alone too. You should go." I want to cry. Why is my choice as a mom: which child do I let cry and be alone? Thank God I am not a single parent. We all do what we have to do in the circumstances we are in and I respect that and know that I could handle it if I had to, but honestly, I don't want to. I don't know if it was right or not, but when Brianna started crying during Mary Kate's bedtime songs, I let her cry. She was safe in the bouncy seat, she was just fussing. But I needed to be near my oldest daughter. She needed to know that when she needs me she can have me, just like Brianna. I just laid there next to her and sang her songs and snuggled her. It was so nice. But my heart was breaking for Brianna. I tell you this parenting thing is not easy. It is hard to love someone so much. I know I am a good mom, but the feelings of inadequacy that come from wanting to provide everything possible for them and not being able to sometimes overwhelm me. I don't know what to do except pray for strength and listen to what my girls are trying to say to me. On a lighter note, Mary Kate said the sweetest things tonight in her prayers. First she asked God to hug her and protect her while she sleeps. Then she told him that all of her dreams were in his heart! How sweet and surprisingly accurate. To have the innocence of a child! I know that while Mike and I are doing all we can to raise her to be a God fearing woman someday, much of what she is learning comes from the awesome teachers she has at church. In particular, Mrs. Serena and Mrs. Kelli who are her two favorite! I thank God for them constantly and for God's love that they so willingly shower on her every time they see her! One last thing are some pictures and a video from the ice we had this week. We are bad New Englanders. Our daughter thought the ice was snow. So sad. But the video is cute!

Hypocrisy

So, I had a interesting thought last night. I was getting dinner set for Mary Kate and getting her some milk that she had demanded. I stopped her and made her ask nicely and say please, which she did. As I was thinking ahead at what needed to happen the rest of the evening in order to put both kids down to bed, my mind went through a checklist:

• feed them
• bathe them
• get them in their pjs
• stories
• bible stories
• use the bathroom, brush teeth, wash hands and face
• tuck in bed
• say prayers
• sing songs
  
• kisses and hugs

As I was doing that my mind stopped on Bible Stories and I thought "these days I end up reading Mary Kate's simplified children's bible more than my own Bible". The thought stopped me in my tracks. What had started as a simple observation now rattled me to my core. Why? I know why: with two young children, one of which is completely reliant on me for EVERY need, and a husband who, albeit is amazing and helps me out in unbelievable ways, is a full time student and a full time employee I find it hard to carve out the time in my hectic day to read my Bible and even pray. That is not an excuse for my lack of personal time with God, only my explanation of what hinders me. I started to think about all of the other things I am teaching my daughter and prioritizing as healthy habits she should form that I don't always practice myself. How many times do I demand Mike or even Mary Kate to do something or get me something with out so much as a please and sometimes a thank you. How can I expect MK to ask nicely and say please and thank you if she doesn't see and hear me doing the same. How often do I fall asleep without saying a prayer and yet I stress it as an important part of our bedtime routine with MK. I could go on. Needless to say I feel like a hypocrit right now, and in many ways I am. So last night, I turned off the tv and opened the Bible and made time. I made time for God and I made time for me. It was great and amazing. As I was opening my heart to God, and sharing all of what I just shared with you, I started to realize something. It isn't something new, just something that God brought to the surface. It is more important for me to live my life in a way that mirrors the behaviors and habits I want for MK than to just teach her what to do. It sounds simple, but it encompases EVERYTHING! From eating habits, to excersize habits, to spiritual habits, to basic manners, Everything. I mean who hasn't had a left over cookie or piece of cake for breakfast one morning. However, how does that look to MK? Do I really want my 3 year old to think that Dessert is a breakfast food? Obviously not. Anyways, I think I am going to start really examining my life during my quiet time try to change so that I can truly become the type of Godly woman that I hope my daughters will grow up to be. I know it will not be easy, but I am feeling convicted. She needs to see me pray, see me read my Bible, hear me say please every time. I will keep you all updated on how this goes.

Poor Baby

My baby is sick. I feel a little like a first time mom. I have never had a baby get sick this young before. She is only 5 weeks old and there is nothing that I can give her. She is so congested and the only thing I can do for her is saline drops and bulb suctioning. Both of which she HATES with a passion! I mean she gets mad. She got so mad at me last night that she wouldn't even nurse. Needless to say we had a long night last night. Mike was generous enough to allow me to go to bed around 2:30AM. He stayed up with her and she finally fell asleep around 4:30 or 5AM. She has been doing pretty good usually about sleeping. She will sleep for 6 hours or so. Sometimes more, sometimes less. Well last night she slept for 3 hours and was up to nurse and then another 3 hours and so on. I am hoping tonight will get better as both Mike and I are exhausted! Mary Kate on the other hand had an amazing day today as far as behavior is concerned. She has been acting out a little lately. Mostly due to Brianna, but also because we haven't had a consistent weekly routine since the beginning of December. Brianna was born, then Mike's work schedule changed for a week, then we had all the holidays and we were gone visiting family, then Mike's work schedule was different again and now he is starting class tomorrow for the semester. So hopefully next week we will be back on a good schedule. But regardless, she has been pushing the boundaries and testing what she can get away with for a couple of weeks. Today she did so good. She listened and obeyed and was so sweet today. She even took a nap, which she has been rebelling against. I was so proud of her. It was nice tonight, after reading her bedtime stories I got to have about 5-10 minutes of cuddle time with just me and her while I sang her her bedtime songs and said prayers with her. I was so happy that Brianna was sleeping and cooperated so that I could have that special time with Mary Kate. It makes me sad that I don't really get that as much anymore. Especially since I am nursing Brianna exclusively. When we divi up kids there really isn't much discussion as to which kid I get usually. Anyways, tonight was my random babbling. I am sorry if it wasn't to interesting or if it was repetative.

Psalm 139:13-14

I experienced a first last night. Luckily Mike was home to help otherwise it would have been very frustrating instead of quite humorous. I decided to give the girls a bath together since Brianna has a belly button now. So this is the second time I have attempted this. How it worked last time was that I would put Brianna in her little bath chair and fill the tub with enough water for her. Mary Kate would get in and help me give Brianna a bath and when she was done I would take out Brianna and let Mary Kate have more water in the tub and would wash Mary Kate. So last night I put the water in the tub and Mary Kate got in and Mike brought me Brianna. As soon as she got in the tub she immediately started to poop. I mean it was clouds of yellow puffing up in the water for a good 30 seconds to a minute. I was so taken aback because I wasn't expecting it that all it could do was laugh hysterically. Then Mike came in and saw what was going on and started yelling to Mary Kate "Get out! Get out! Get out!" So, Mary Kate, sensing the intensity in Mike's voice, starts scrambling to get out of the tub and almost falls out. As you can see from the pictures below, the water on the left side of Brianna is nice and "tainted" and on the right it is clear as can be.

I was not prepared for this. Mary Kate never pooped in the tub except once when she was 2. As a baby, she did not have relaxed bowels like Brianna. It is funny how different your kids turn out to be. I have been noticing that a lot lately as Brianna is starting to develop her little personality. She is such a cuddler whereas Mary Kate was so independant. She is a thumb sucker and loves to be comforted whereas Mary Kate didn't want any sort of pacifier or finger sucking or likewise comfort tools. They are both very alert and love to watch what is going on. However Mary Kate would cry and fuss and get herself so worked up that you could hardly calm her down. Brianna tends to fuss when she needs something and as soon as her need is met she will stop crying. I love both my girls more than I could ever imagine. And it is so interesting to me to watch how different and how incredibly complex and beautiful they both are all the way down to their inmost beings. It really gives a new perspective on Psalm 139:13-14

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.

He truly has created all of us individually. He knows us and he has a plan for us. I look forward to watching my girls grow and learn and become strong, beautiful, God Fearing women. I am anxious to see how each and every personality trait and characteristic that has been knit together within them will come together and what amazing plans God has for my children. This must be what God feels like when he looks down at us. He sees all he has created within us and just wants to see us flourish and follow the plans he has for us. Anyways, here are a couple more pictures from last night and this month.

She found her thumb already!



It was 80 degrees outside last Friday. I got her to wear shorts and a t-shirt, but she insisted on wearing her fur lined boots. I don't know whether to consider her a fashionista, or crazy!


They already love each other so much! Mary Kate is such a good big sister!

Life with two!

So, I have decided that I am actually going to write in this thing now this new year. Now that I have two kids, I have even more of a desire for an outlet. So yeah, my second daughter was born on Dec. 6th, 2008. She is beautiful and happy and healthy. We spent the holidays with my parents in Kentucky which was interesting since driving 760 miles each way with a 3 year old and 2 week old is not exactly as easy as it may seem. They actually did surprisingly well and the trip was great. It is nice to be home now and settling into a routine with two kids. I have noticed that it has become increasingly hard this week to balance taking care of both kids, cleaning the house, doing the laundry, keeping up with the dishes, giving my older daughter the extra attention she needs so as not to act out, exclusively breastfeeding my baby girl, doing hair out of my home, and finding ANY time for me to do anything for myself. I was excited yesterday as I was able to work in a shower. 5 years ago I never would have thought that I would get so excited about a shower. My email has been piling up and facebook has been slightly neglected this week. I am getting there though. Here I am writing this. I am adjusting and getting used to utilizing every moment I have for anything that needs to be done. Even as I write, Bria is waking up and I am going to have to go. This weekend will be nice however, as Mike and Nancy (Mike's parents) are coming down to visit and will provide some much needed help, particularly in the area of giving the girls attention!